Coming upon the end

So it has been a while. I haven't had good things to say so I decided saying nothing was better. This summer has been real freaken crappy! As bad as it sounds to me, I really cannot wait until summer is over and kids go back to school. This summer has taught me that my struggles are going to be here the rest of my life. No matter if I get help or not, I am going to be struggling the rest of my days. That is a horribly depressing thought! I am tired of inner termoil. I am tired of fighting not to do what will temperarily help me.

I bought a new gun a few weeks ago. It is a Glock 27, most of you won't really care but I love it. Brandon was nice enough to take me to the range on Saturday so I could test it out. I love it so much more than my Smith and wesson. It doesn't hurt to use it which is good. The smith and wesson is just painful to shoot after ten rounds.

I finally finished working on dads car. Now it doesn't make any horrible noises and doesn't sound like it is going to fall apart while driving it. I am still healing from the last time though. I will have some nice scares from it :) Changing two axles, two wheel bearings and breaks is a mighty big task. But it was well worth it. I am glad he is happy with the work.

Tired and worn out

All the joys of life have left me ragged and worn. Sometimes I wonder why I make an effort with anything when it just gets over looked or completely ignored. Non the less, I can't stop myself from making the effort. It is stressful, hurtful and quite frankly rather depressing. Maybe that is why for the last two weeks I have been on edge and very depressed. A depressed that doesn't seem to be going away. At a moments notice I just want to break down and cry. One of those good cries where you think it is going to make you feel so much better, where you cry till you can't anymore, but it doesn't work. I just cry and all it does is make my nose stuffy, eyes puffy and gives me a headache. I wonder if the Clomid I am taking to try to get pregnant is making my anti-depressants not work and making it harder to deal with life in general. I do believe I need a shrink, along with others that won't do it, I just need to find out if my insurance will cover it. If not I guess I am pretty much left with crying the cry that doesn't make me feel better and working it out myself. Since the working it out myself doesn't seem to be working I guess I will just try to wait for a cry that will make me feel better. I really do not like feeling this way. I really don't like feeling the way some of the things others do to me makes me feel. What is a girl to do? Not much of anything.

Since I didn't get a Happy Aniversary, much less anything else, nor a Happy Mothers day, again let alone anything else, I decided for my birthday I was going to spoil myself. I bought a Nintendo DS. I got those Brain Age games. Oh man they are so fun. The second one is so much harder than the first, but it is very challenging and make you really work your brain. I also got My French coach. Great for refreshing on french. Has fun games and lessons on it. Got the old style (classic) Super Mario Brothers. Man I love that game. And Donkey Kong. I am going to have to make mom do the brain age game. I think she would like it and hate it all at the same time. Oh yeah I also bought myself a new bookshelf. Now I have four that form a wall for the basement room :) Great way to do it huh!!! Now I just have to yet again rearrange all my books to satisfy my OCD!!! Never going to work I tell you, never. A while ago I got one of those embossers for books with this book belongs to the library of blah blah blah. I have done about half of my books now I just need to do the rest and put them all in order and all that fun stuff. I guess I should start on that tomorrow before it really bugs me more. If that is at all possible.

Pictures from trip

This is Bruce the Moose, isn't he just so cute!

This is a sign in Downtown Anchorage, I thought it was cool it has a ton of different places on it and tells you how far away and which direction they are in. This is just one side of it.

This is a picture of the mountains off the back of the boat we were on for our cruise. Beautiful!

This sign just killed me... well all these signs. They are everywhere! I can just see someone looking at the mountains while they are driving along and seeing an avalanche and having to stop because it is so cool and they want to watch it. So I thought it was funny that they have to put up signs for people not to do it. From what I heard, it doesn't make them any less stupid and they still stop. There are a few deaths a year because of it.

Marci, Elijah (Marci's son) and I before boarding our pretty boat to go on the cruise.

Ft. Richardson and Elmendorf Air Force Base from up on Artic Valley. Isn't it great!

Elijah loved that killer whale. He really wanted to see one on our cruise.

This is one of two Bald Eagles that the Air Force base has taken in. This one doesn't have one of it's wings. They found them both on base and took them in. I don't remember what is wrong with the other one.

My trip

Well as good as it is to be home, I had a GREAT time in Alaska. It is so amazingly beautiful there. Mountains EVERYWHERE! Not the distant mountains we have here, but close ones. Go figure that the day I get there, my little monthly friend starts. It was suppose to yet, so I assume it had something to do with flying. The man I sat next to on the way there was so great. He was telling me what I should go see, and what to do if I am chased by a moose. He was just hysterical. Really made the 4 hours go by much quicker. Oh and just so you know if you are ever being chased by a moose, run in circles or around a tree because they can't turn real well or quickly and they will eventually get tired of you and leave. Helpful advice.

We went on a cruise out of Seward. That is about 2 1/2 hours away from Anchorage. It was soooo great. We saw Sea lions, and Otters, tons and tons of Bald eagles, Mountain Goats man are they crazy, they were going up a cliff that was almost straight up and down. We saw porpoises, couldn't get a picture of them because those little buggers are so fast. Darn cute though. They love to play.

We spent tons of time on base. Boy was I soooo not going to argue with that one. :) Anyone who knows me knows I have a huge weakness for military uniforms. It was great, one of the days we were on base, we missed our turn and going by the runway, and jets were landing. Now there are signs telling you to slow down and stop when you see a plane coming because they get VERY close. Here is a picture to show how close they get to the road.

We went to hockey games. Those were great. I am amazed that I didn't lose my voice after those. We drove up Artic Valley. You can see both the Air force and Army base and the whole town of Anchorage from up there. It was amazing. Took her son to ice skating practices. Those were great. All these little kids on ice skates in full hockey get ups. It was so darned adorable. We went to the zoo. Oh the polar bears seemed so happy. It was so much different from the one in Portland. There is no paved sidewalks.... there tons of bridges going over water. It was really pretty. Of course one of the main reasons I went there, her ultrasound appointment. It's another boy. She is so very happy about that. I don't think she would know what to do with a girl. :) Why is it always people that already have boys don't know what to do if they had a girl? Always curious about that. She is hoping I can go back up there after her baby is born. As much as I would love to, I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be pregnant by than and wont be able to go. Not cause I don't want to just because I wanna get pregnant darn it all. Oh yeah and we went to the Reindeer farm where I got to see oh soooo cute little baby Caribou and got to feed Bruce the Moose. He was sooo cute.

Anchorage

Well, I am here in Anchorage, Alaska. It is so amazingly beautiful! There are mountains everywhere!!!!! We went on a cruise yesterday. It was awesome. Poor Marci got soooo sick. She gets sea sick as it is, just not usually bad enough to throw up, but she did yesterday. Probably because she is pregnant. We have done lots of shopping. She has shown me some interesting places. We have been to base a whole bunch of times. Went shopping there. They have a px on the air force base. The Air force and Army bases are right next to each other. We have been having tons of fun. I am oh so extremely homesick. I have never in my life been homesick before. It really sucks. This was always Danica's territory. Whenever I went somewhere it was always hard for me to go back home because I loved seeing new places. I almost have sympathy for Danica, except she ruined some of my summers so I don't feel so bad for her :) Just Kidding. I have a new found understanding for how she felts/feels. I shall no longer make fun of her for it.... or at least try too.
So I have 4 more days of my vacation, and an extra suitcase coming home with me. It is going to be sucky having to unpack 3 suitcases when I get home. Silly me packed to much stuff when I left so I didn't really have much room to pack extra stuff in them. So Marci had a few odd suitcases she has been meaning to get rid of, so she gave one to mee. Sad but true.
Ok well gotta run. more when i get home

So very proud of myself

I'm a proud puppy with myself right now. :) Let me tell you why. The beginning of the week, I finally got it in my head that I really need to hem up my pants. You know when your pants hang past your toes it isn't a good thing. That and holding them up with saftey pins is kind of a fashion no no. Well they turned out totally even! I was so happy. Than Thursday I decided I needed new clothes to go to Alaska. So I went to JcPenny. Well we! Everyone knows that Mark has better taste in clothes than I do. I didn't even know it but they were having a great sale. Buy 1 and get the second for 88 cents!!!!!! HELLO! So I walked out with 3 pairs of pants and 3 shirts. I saved almost as much as I spent. I spent just barely over 100 dollars and saved $98! WOW! That made me super proud of myself too. So after we got home from some other running around, I decided after washing the new clothes that I needed to hem the new pants and the rest of mine, minus the one pair that mom already did for me. THANK YOU MOMMY! I did 5, yes 5, pairs of pants yesterday. All of them were even and just the length I wanted them. I tell you hemming is hard work. So now all my pants actually fit and don't drag on the ground or aren't being held up off the ground by saftey pins. Wooohooo ME!
So I am getting oh so excited to go to Alaska. I leave in 1 week and 2 days. Even though I hate flying in big planes... which I am trying to not think about. I have half of my stuff packed already hehehehe I just couldn't help it. I am still trying to decide what shoes to take. Mark keeps laughing at me for how much I plan on packing. He is a total guy packer... where as I am a total girl packer. I am going to be gone 12 days, that requires a lot of stuff!
Oh my shoe delimea. So my shoes for quite some time have been in a big heaping pile on our closet floor. Just wasn't working for me. So I asked Mark if there was anyway that he could make something for them. But everything we thought of just wasn't going to work because I had A) way to many shoes for it and B) was just going to cost to much. So I went on line to look for shoe racks that would hold as many as I needed. There weren't many choices! There were only like 2 stand up racks that hold 50 and than over the door racks or ones that you put on your hanger rod in the closet. Don't like either of those ones. So I looked at the container stores website. BOOM, I feel in love! They have shoe boxes that are clear, plastic boxes. I just had to have them. So now all my shoes are in boxes in a nice neat stack in the closet. Mark thinks I went a little insane by labeling them with what shoes are in them. :) I have some pretty funny names for my shoes. It is just so great and organized it makes me smile when I see them instead of want to cry.
So there you go. I am just so darned happy with myself. Sometimes I amaze myself.

I'm horrible

Am I just totally horrible at this or what? Ok not quiet as bad as Danica but nowhere near as great as Memory. Oh well, life goes on. So my little float box that Mark made for me, got another addition to it. He made a bottom for it to put a light in. So now it glows. I will so have to take a picture of it. It's just awesome.
I talked to a long lost friend the other day. It was so great. We haven't talked in like 8 years or so. We were on the phone for about 3 hours. During the three hours the weather just went nuts. It was sunny, than started raining. Went back to sunny than all of a sudden started hailing. Than to rain, sun, hail and snow. It was just kind of creepy. It was just again so great to catch up with Marci. I have missed her.
I bought two new pairs of shoes this last couple weeks. :) Anyone who knows me knows I have a HORRIBLE shoe fetish. I just can't help myself. I will have to put pic's of them up to because Memory wanted to see them. They are just GREAT. The sad part is I have been in so much pain from the medication I have to take before I take the fertility medication that I have been in no shape what so ever to A) want to get all cute so I can wear them and B) go anywhere but the sofa and bathroom. So hopefully soon I will be able to wear them.
Besides that my life is kind of uneventful right now. Jacob is here for Spring Break. He spent the first few days with his Grandma and Grandpa in Beaverton and came here on Tuesday. He has been SOOOOOO good! We have only had one minor meltdown that lasted only a few minutes and that was that. It is soooo nice. Tomorrow Mark is taking Jacob and Victoria to Silverfalls to hike and stuff so that I can stay home and veg. I start clomid tomorrow so it shouldn't be a pretty picture. What a great husband! So cross all those fingers, toes and eyes that this time the Clomid will work because I don't want to have to go on a higher dose again!!!!

So proud

I am just so gosh darn proud of myself!!!! I finally took a picture of the box Mark made for my blown glass ball. Yes it took a while but I did it. Even got it into the computer. Now he is going to make a bottom for it so we can put a light underneath it and light it from the bottom. It will look so great.

But that isn't all. Months ago, I started putting up pictures in the hall. Ha it started with 3, and it stayed at 3 for a long time. I finally ordered pictures and got them all up. Well ok, Mark helped except for today. You know I was so darn capable of doing stuff all on my own before I got together with Mark. I could work on my own car and make stuff if I wanted to. I don't know what happened. All of a sudden he does everything. I asked him to do stuff I am totally capable of. I wonder if it is because he is just mister do it, that I just assume he will take care of it for me. Of course the same goes with him too. So today I was sitting here thinking, why am I even considering waiting till he gets home from work to put these up. That is just silly. So I got my step ladder out, and the nails, and ruler and went to work. Looks pretty darn good if you ask me. I am not done, but it is getting there. I gotta get more frames. I even had to cut holes in some of my frames before I could put them up. Silly me when out and bought some yesterday and didn't even pay attention to what I was buying. They were just stand up ones, didn't have any holes for hanging. So I open them when I get home, and rip off the stand thingy and than notice after i have done them all, ohhh there isn't a hole. So i got out my exacto knife and went to work. Darn it if it didn't work like a dream too. So I have pictures so people can see. I don't know why the picture is blue, I am going to have to play with my camera because that isn't the only one it did that too.

The horrible guilt

Not to sound horrible, but I am so my mothers daughter when it comes to sympathy. I have hardly any when it comes to someone doing something they know they shouldn't be and they get hurt. Don't expect me to fawn all over you and "oh you poor baby." It just isn't going to happen. I know that sounds just horrible but it is the dead truth. When there is a cause for sympathy I have it though. Take for instance my day on Tuesday. I knew I was going to be watching Victoria, so I get up and get the house straightened up so I have less to clean when she goes. I typically leave the door unlocked so they don't have to knock and I don't have to go for the door. Well silly me went out of the house about 1/2 an hour before Susan and Victoria got here, and like I automatically do everything I come in, I locked it. So when I hear a pounding on my door (Iwas in the back of the house on the computer) I starting screaming that I will be right there and to keep their panties on. Oh silly me. Susan frantically yells that they need in right now. It was the tone of voice that did it for me. I run to the door and fling it open and there stand Victoria crying at the top of her lungs and bleeding all over the place. So we rush her in get a towel and ice on her lip. While we are doing this Susan is telling me that Victoria got out of the car and started walking towards the door while trying to take off her jacket. Well the girl isn't known for her grace! Well she takes a fall face first and because she was all tangled in her jacket she couldn't stop the fall. So we look at her lip trying to debate if we should take her into the Emergancy room. Oh it was so gross! She darn near put her teeth through her bottom lip. The inside was just narled, and the outside was split from falling on it and it is as clear as day that it is an emergancy room trip. So we call Susans work, call Victorias mom and head out. Since the hospital is less than 5 minutes from us, she curls up on my lap on the drive there. Well we get there, and we wait, and wait, and wait some more. She fortunatly fell asleep. So we take her back and the doctor looks at it sure enough she needs 4 stitches on the inside. Now at this point, I am just feeling gosh darn aweful and guilty about all this because it happened at my house. Why this should make me feel guilty I have no clue but it does. So I am darn near as truamatized as she is. Stupid me it is about to get so much worse. They numb the wound, than strap her down to one of those flat boards so she can't move her body. It takes two nurses to hold her head down and still so the doctor can stitch her. The whole time she is screaming "Get off me." and other stuff that just ripped my heart out. Afterwards, they tried to give her stickers and a cute little stuffed unicorn but she wouldn't take anything from the nurses. She was ticked! By this time I am darn near in tears because this is her first big ouchy and it happened at my house. So she is here today, her bottom lip is HUGE! You can't understand much of what she says because of it. her chin is black and blue and all mangled. It just kiss me. so there that is my tragic story of guilt.

Totally at my wits end

I'm going to pop! I am completely sick of being a female! So here is my problem. As everyone knows I am on Clomid to help me get pregnant. The first month worked great. Had my little friend and everything. Well this month, I'm either late, pregnant, or the pills didn't work. Well I shouldn't be late according to my doctor since it is drug induced. So for the most part I am ruling that out but not completely. I have taken 2 pee on stick tests, and they were both negative. Now I don't know if it is because they are the totally cheap ones from the Dollar Tree, but I have known people to use those and not have a problem. The first one I took when I was pregnant was an EPT and it was no doubt prositive. So I don't know if I should wait a while and take another one. But it even says right on the box, you can take it one day after your missed period. Well it is more than one day! If the pills didn't work, I think I am just going to sit in a corner screaming. I don't want to have to go back to the doctor say, hey it didn't work you gotta give me those horrid pills to force my little friend again and start all over. This is horrible! Those pills make me so sick and crappy feeling. I am just tired of this. All I ask for is one little precious baby! That is it. Why does it have to be so freaken hard? I see all these people who A) didn't want kids in the first place but have them. B) Are horrible to their kids and yell at them all the time and have no patience with them C) people who think kids should be seen but not heard and do nothing with them. and D) people who have kids just to stay on welfare, and section 8 and all the government programs so they don't have to get off their lazy butts and get a real job and make a good example for their children. These are people who really shouldn't have had kids. Yet someone like me, who thinks they would be a good parent and love their child and do what it takes so make a great life for them have to go through all this pain staking crap just to get pregnant. IT ISN'T FAIR!!! Am I just kidding myself and I really shouldn't have a child? Would I not be a good loving parent? Is that why I can't get pregnant? Seriously how much can one person take? This is just getting rediculous.
In the good news department, we got our new couch. I love it. It does need a little breaking in because it is still a bit stiff but it looks great. I will take pictures and put them up so people can see. I got my glass blown ball. Mark is in the process of making a 3 sided glass box that will be lit underneath for it. So if it takes a tumble so how it isn't going to shatter just be a little rattled. What a great guy huh?!?! So once that is done I will put up a picture of that too. It is really cool. My prescription sunglasses should be in anyday. My regular glasses came in a couple weeks ago. Everyone said they like them. If i get in the mood I will put a pic of me with them on for you all. They are pretty!

WHAT A WEEK!

Well if I was excited for 2007 to end, I am going to be jumping for joy when January ends. Holy crap what a week! Lets start off with the first one. Months ago I noticed that it was getting real hard for me to drive at night. I couldn't focus on anything, and my headaches were making me so light sensitive it made me want to pull over to the side of the road and crawl into a little ball until there were no cars left. Well last weekend (the 12th) Jacob went and got a new video game. So of course like them all we wouldn't let him play it until we did (mostly me because mark doesn't understand newer ones). So that night I put in the Harry Potter game and start playing. There is a ton of stuff you have to read. I couldn't read any of it!!! All of it was so blurry. I figured it was just the font they had used that made it all blur together. But no! Mark could read it just fine. So I finally decided to go get my eyes checked. Low and behold I am near sighted.... is that the one where you can't see far away? I can't remember... I can't see far away, so I have to get glasses. Mark is all sorts of excited and wont let me go pick them out myself because he thinks I am going to get the plain ol ones instead of the funky colorful ones like he thinks I can get away with. So Friday we went and got the glasses picked out, and got them ordered. Takes about a week she said. Marks came a little quicker than that but I think only by a day or so. I am hoping that they will be in on Thursday. It isn't like it is a hard prescription. I don't have astigmatism...however that is spelled, and they aren't really that bad. So that is done and over with and now it is just waiting for the glasses to come in and hope I don't drill a hole through my eyes to relieve the constant pain they are putting me through.
So after the glasses, I decided I just want to scope out how much new couches are. I have never in my life bought one, and nor has Mark. He has always had hand me downs, and I had Danica's hand me down that she made me promise not to try to give back to her when I was done. So we went to Ashley's Furniture. Stupid of me really. I fell in love. Now mind you. On the couch we have, it's about 10 years old, the stains will no longer come out, the cushions NEVER stay in place, the pipping on the cushions has poked through the fabric and sticking out all over the place. It is just so sad. So I fell in love with the microfiber, Sage, oh so nice couch. The back cushions are attached, but they have a zipper so you can fluff the stuffing and that stuff, along with the arms. The bottom cushions have Velcro so they don't shift around. It is just so nice. So now I can finally make it mandatory that there be no eating in the living room what so ever by anyone (MARK!) no matter what! I am so excited. I hate having to clean up the messing from eating in there, and it just isn't what we grew up with and it drive me nuts!
So there is the glasses, the sofa, and than today. Susan and I went to the beach. There is this Glass blowing business, that you can pay them and you can make your own glass float. You can't do everything yourself mind you. It was soooo fun! My float is pink and green and is going to go on our fireplace. The lady that was doing it was me was so nice. She stood there and explained what I was doing and why I was doing it, and why it is done that way. They try not to have to do stuff for you, unless it looks like you need it or your younger. It was just an awesome thing to get to do. I would recommend it for someone who has the money to spend on it and likes blown glass stuff. Well worth it. So because it has to cool in a special kiln you can't pick it up till the next day because it takes 18 hours to cool. so it is going to be shipped here. If it breaks on the way here, they will either make me a new one or I get to go back and free of charge I get to make another one. Ohhh shucks. If you want the places information just let me know. I am telling you well worth it. I will get pictures up when I get them from Susan since she was the one taking them.
So that was my adventurous week. Glad it is over tomorrow.